9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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