I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize