Having a random hookup so left but love u
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
