who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
