You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
