Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
