Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
