Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
