Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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