sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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