fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
