i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
