i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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