The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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