quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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