Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
