I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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