so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize