I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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