I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
