There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
