I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
