Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize