i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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