I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
