And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
