u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
