This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
