just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
