theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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