You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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