He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
