I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
