Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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