I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
