You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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