Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
