so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
