Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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