We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
