literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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