twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
