mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
