We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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