I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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