Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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