Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
