it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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