just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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