its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
