omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize