if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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