you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i think my cat just said my name.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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