LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
