i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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