i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
