My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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