Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
