I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
