Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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